As time goes I feel more and more comfortable with myself. It may not be the right time to say it, but the feeling is there. I was pissed of, I was so dissapointed of myself, I nearly hated myself. But I'm no EMO boy, so why show it?
It was the right moment for Hannukka, I had the time I wanted to think. Here and there a little homework, but time was the thing I needed.
Laura may say that I'm right. I really see it as right too, and the fact is there is nothing time can't break. Time can make the biggest things happen.

This week my I was left alone one day to concentrate on homework. Everyone left to Rosh Hanikra a very nice coast, 50 meters from the border with Lebanon. I knew the place, therefore it didn't hurt to not be able to come.
There you could see how time works. There are caves, huge caves all made of time. Drops of water carved the stone for millions (scientifics say, go figure if they're right) of years untill all the big halls and caves where formed. Time also made those stones stronger and today for just a few cents (well, I guess the cents are some bucks) you can see the powers of nature.
So time, again showing it's strength.

This last weeks where a struggle. Really, I felt I couldn't take it further and I decided the best thing to do was to tell her about it. I told her everything, what happened what I felt and my thoughts on our relationship. She understood it, I felt so weird 'cuz I expected something else to happen. I expected tears and all that, but she understood it. Everything seemed to be fine. Then, at the farewells moment I realized that everything I told her was in vain. She did not have a clue what I meant. Well she had, but she apparently understood a "break-time" was just untill I could focus on her back, after all the exams.

The next few days I was being eaten from inside, I knew she got it wrong and I needed to replace the theory on her mind in a way she could get easily, though softly enough not to kill her. Being direct many times is the good way to go. So I understood from the first chat. I just tried to not hurt her and so I used words such as "break-time" and "pause".
I came to realize the damage I did as I made her think this was momentaneous and would have and end. Then everything will come back.

Next time I was more concentrated on the task, and not in the way I said it. I don't remember how many talks we had on the subject before she actually understood that I just couldn't say I love her, feeling 100% well with it.
It was hard, I felt bad about it and she wanted to die. She wasn't prepared to understand her fear was now a reality.

As days passed by I noticed she couldn't let go. She all the time kept remembering me "that maybe one day..." or "God may decide it's the right thing one day...". By the way, all these thoughts were created by me mainly. I didn't want to hurt her and I used soft terms and vain promises.
Finally, I can say today it just came to an end. Though I feel she is not over with it yet, but time. Oh yes, time will do its work.

I feel better and I really see all this as over. I feel so dumb for the way I said all this to her, but I guess it was for good. We are still very good friends, it won't be the same as before but what about another Finn good friend? Nothing bad with it. Not really.
So here's the end of my story. I will post some short story I wrote for English last year. It has something to do with all this, a bit frightening but that is what I had in mind. The story had to be connected to a book I read about an execution, so be prepared. Next post.

A man's best friend

A man's best friend
shouldn't be his dog
or cat
or even his neighbor

A man's best friend
Is not his greed
ambition
or health

As all these lead to treason
As they came they went
In the end the man is left
Too many reasons in his mind
To not be able to trust, anyone

Yet this man has got something
It is there, too quiet to find
All his faith lays in loneliness
The company of the own soul

Apart from Him
The truthful God
A man's best friend
is the silence in his heart

I got thinking about this verses, or some of them that appeared in my mind today. It all happened after we met Shimon Adaf, a song and prose writer who came to talk today at school.
It all was about his work, his reasons to write, his passion for the ink.
I could find myself getting caught easily in his speech. I was absorbing every word of it and finding my points as others asked him about his techniches. I was answering myself those questions.

I find it really enjoyable, finding ways to express my thoughts on paper. I enjoy writing just as I enjoy listening to music. I really don't understand why people just banned his words saying he was too boring. For the fat part of it, it was really interesting.
I must admit that before some months I considered poems or songs just a waste of time. I usually waved everything that was similar to, what I called then, "bullshit" thinking it was just a bunch of words with no meaning trying to fool me. Some actually are, but many are not.

I just realized today how much I needed to hear that what I feel while I write is normal. I needed that pinch of solidarity, and in some way I found it today on Adaf's talk.
I think I really have to take my feelings further, if it is by this medium then why not?
So I will be posting stuff soon. This verses are a combination of a two minute writing today when I was waiting for the bus, plus another 3 of fast thinking now.

Today was just a day. Had an exam on Hebrew expression, and to judge by my feel I think it went pretty good. I wrote an article based on someone who wrote about the lessons of the Holocaust from the point of view of today's techniches to do it, which is mostly through a trip to Poland. He thought that it was wrong as it wasn't centered in Israel or the Jewish people. I got my point and attacked the Jewish ego. But this is some topic for another time.

So after that I had the talk with the writer and later went home.
I just kept thinking today of the Commando Units available and opted to take the long shot, "The Unit". It is the hardest unit, but I got the feel this was to be my choice. I feel fine with it.
I just started gaining back my training tradition, which I left after I saw my chances to be in the Air Force were way to low to take that shot. Still, I got too many questions about it. May God help me decide.

This eve I was to the "Spanish School". Just by the Finn one. Had a great time though I really felt pissed off. I saw the entrance to the Finn School and it all remembered me of how fresh is the pain of letting Tytti and Laura go. Tomorrow Ruha, maybe the only one who can help me now, is flying to Finland too. It just can't be true.
I remember I used to hate her a bit, I just couldn't trust her in nothing. I felt disconnected from her mind, but she was such a help in the last time. She just knows so much, and God was right. I saw her as an answer to a prayer in which I asked help and guidance from Him. I thought that maybe he showed her in my dream so I could know she was the one to help me, and she was. Thanks Ruha for all the support.

Little blog, I gotta go. Puzzled and disconnected as before. But today I realized that even though I don't feel anything I feel fine. I just seem to have a brief disconnection between my mind and feelings, but this time I feel its for good. As Ruha said, "It may not be on God's schedule".
I just feel so fine. To be able to leave the problems to Him is just the best comfort I could get, I feel no pain, nor bad for what I will do. I just hope the other side gets to understand as me that my time has not yet come.

Good night.

This is not a very nice week after all.

Not so different from my last post, I came to face another demanding, exhausting, anihilating, cracking, killing week. No, I am not happy after all. And yes, I need His guidance right now.
Things changed a lot in this week, things became a threat on my psychological and mind health. Yes, its just like ALS. Killing me from the inside. And why Lord, Why? I just got a few answers.
I am not saying He just forgot, I'm sure His answer will come at the right moment, preciselly when I will be facing the hard turn. But, it's just the I am not ready to have a 90th minute answer.
I always plan things, if I was to be in God's commitee He surelly would be very molested by my lack of faith, or may you call it just an obsession with order.

I am not that kind of person you usually find with everything in order or with his own place tidy and clean. I'm not. I hate to be like that, I can't stand the thought of being like the Finn School new boss. He's just, too clean, too tidy, too pilot. He even rejected a dog because "it is a very unclean animal, and will ruin the higiene of the Finn School".
Dude! You lived in Africa, how could you talk about higiene? Bah, who am I to judge this tidy man? He looks cool anyways, kinda cool in a bad way too which takes me to think of him as freezy. Sometimes.
But this post is just too different to start speaking about him.

Where were I?
So this week was sad too. We had the camp last saturday. Tytti and Laura where just overblessing us in every way, it weren't the people in the camp the ones who made me happy. I must admit it was them.
I got my own reasons for not accepting "spiritually grown-up" as a cumpliment from the Shfa-Amer KK group leaders. But this too is something unconnected to the very big topic.

So I went to my congregation as I was the Soundman this time. Everything went fine, no feedbacks, no major problems and just the volume everyone needed. I was proud of myself.
I came back to the Finn school just to see the KK group going, I wished them a nice journey back to Shfa-Amer and went in to say goodbye to Laura and Tytti.
Everyone went and so I was left there to talk with them for a while. Bah, such a shame they had to leave.
Once again said my farewells to both of them knowing this was the last time.

12pm: Got the permition to go with them to the airport!
Wow, thanks God!
So I went with them, this time to say my final and third farewell.

It was brief, just the classic bureaucracy of Israel's airport and some checkings from a not very nice attendant. I had my ID with me so I was given the pleasure to lead the ladies through the process of check-in in this very exhausting place.
Achtung! Boom. Met the wall.
Some attendant, not nicer than the last one just checked my ID and waved me off, telling me to go back and wait.
I went back, humiliated by my co-citizens taking with me Laura's coat as a hostage so she would come after the check-in to say goodbye.

Time passed bye and nothing was moving. I just hate airports.
We decided we had to go, and the-right-time-for-tears came in to visit. First Tytti said bye, then Laura and all was just tears and tears. I felt nothing, just a bit sad. But I knew that it will come to me in some hours.
I was right.

We went back, everyone laughing and telling how he enjoyed this two enourmous (in a big way, if you are reading it) girls, sharing the anecdotes everyone had with them.
I was late for school, I went home and on the way back I just realized. "They went..."
I started counting minutes until the take-off time scheduled for 16:05 and when it was that time I started counting the minutes they were on the air.
I was pissed off really, felt so bad and weird and sad. I couldn't concentrate on my homework and realized I was depressed as never before.

I went to sleep with that feeling of depression. I asked God to intervein and help me 'cause I really didn't like that at all.
So this is the story of how this two Finns dissapeared, this last sunday. So sad.

Besides that, I am really pissed of by school. I have some exams coming on. I got my psychometric studies in order to enter the University if I don't go to the army first, also coming on.
Not only that, I just received another invitation for some exams to the Commando Units in the IDF (Israel Defence Forces), I may receive also an invitation to the Air Force soon. And I really don't see where God wants me to be. So also, praying for that.

There has been a lot cooking on this last days. I just keep betraying myself. I don't want to talk about it now. It's too complicated and long and sad and everything with it. It must be done gradually and with the mind. May God help me with that too. I just feel so lost, so undecided of what I want. I talked to Ruha about it and she just adviced me to take a break and think, she thinks there are a few thinks that aren't in God's schedule right now. I really need time to think, but fast.

So here goes my two ton post, full of all this confused feeling right now. My future, my now and what goes with it technically and emotionally.