Apocalypse Now...
I know, it's been a year since I last posted a few lines on this thing. A year. It's been ages, really, because there are so many things that changed for me since. On my last post I was saying good bye to my civil life and about to enter the army. Now, a year after that, I am already a soldier. A true soldier who is just about to finish his course. A week from now, just like I was a week from recruitment on my last post. Such a good way to connect both posts.
I wonder, why did it take me so long to get to write a thing. I think I will count all the different factors that helped with that: First, I was a recruit. I wasn't allowed that much spare time. Not that I had in mind to write on paper anything. Most of the time that I had was spent in rest, even at home. Not that much stuff to think about, after all. I was a plain soldier with basic training experiences and not much of my own thinking really. I did all I was told, not a question. "You obey the orders, you do not question them" as the Nazi way would tell really. The last four months have given me more freedom and time to arise a few questions, destroy some dreams, kill some thoughts and build new plans. Nothing of that came to paper, ever. I may have written my name and personal number on many forms in the past year, but other than that my hand has gone numb. I thought I lost it.
What has happened since? A lot, a whole damn lot. I found myself in a total new life in the army. Different to any structure I've lived ever, where everything a commander says, as stupid as it may be is obeyed with no questioning. At least if you plan to become a good soldier. I didn't get to be in the unit I wanted so bad. It's good, not a big loss after all. I became obsessed with the idea of being a sniper. I woke up in the morning with a mark on my sight and went sleeping while dreaming of me cleaning the M82. That, is gone too. Eight months of constant active dreaming and effort gone as nothing. I was an excellent soldier until the day I was told I wasn't even considered for sniping exams. I became a lot more careless and bold.
During the time of my training my mom got married. A decent man, who I love as a father. I will definitely dedicate a post to that alone. My family grew from four to five. The stress on me as the man of the family is gone and I am left now to try and live the teenage life I was supposed to. But, I'm in the army now. The time is gone and I've grown up way faster. I feel that in the way I see people in my company. I just don't fit. I feel I don't fit in the army, the combat soldier life, the whole system, the mentality. I quit thinking of becoming a commander and later on an officer. I just lost the soul of the army. I just want to finish this two years I got left and find myself in another place. I'm already making plans for studying. I'm already thinking of learning. Guess I just miss school. But I'm thinking of starting over.
The IDF, and I got a right to judge, is such a stupid army. It recruits people with no desire to be in it. People who feel they are forced to be in it. People who don't believe in it. So you start thinking if all your effort to keep a true meaning is worth the pain, physical and emotional. I did. I don't. For me, it became nothing more than a transitory three years with no true meaning. I know I should protect this land. But all I thought I would get from the army is nothing more than an ilusion. Even if I could, I wouldn't start over in the IDF. Because it would get me nowhere. Same thing.
So right now I'm thinking of joining the military academy in the UK. A new start. A different experience. I'll be able to do the things I wanted to do here, but in a different way. And of course, I'll get to learn a lot more. Challenging, I must say.
This post is not that well arranged and tidy, but it'll do for now. Until I get an laptop and start posting from my base. Get back in shape. The best therapy.
Good night.
I know, it's been a year since I last posted a few lines on this thing. A year. It's been ages, really, because there are so many things that changed for me since. On my last post I was saying good bye to my civil life and about to enter the army. Now, a year after that, I am already a soldier. A true soldier who is just about to finish his course. A week from now, just like I was a week from recruitment on my last post. Such a good way to connect both posts.
I wonder, why did it take me so long to get to write a thing. I think I will count all the different factors that helped with that: First, I was a recruit. I wasn't allowed that much spare time. Not that I had in mind to write on paper anything. Most of the time that I had was spent in rest, even at home. Not that much stuff to think about, after all. I was a plain soldier with basic training experiences and not much of my own thinking really. I did all I was told, not a question. "You obey the orders, you do not question them" as the Nazi way would tell really. The last four months have given me more freedom and time to arise a few questions, destroy some dreams, kill some thoughts and build new plans. Nothing of that came to paper, ever. I may have written my name and personal number on many forms in the past year, but other than that my hand has gone numb. I thought I lost it.
What has happened since? A lot, a whole damn lot. I found myself in a total new life in the army. Different to any structure I've lived ever, where everything a commander says, as stupid as it may be is obeyed with no questioning. At least if you plan to become a good soldier. I didn't get to be in the unit I wanted so bad. It's good, not a big loss after all. I became obsessed with the idea of being a sniper. I woke up in the morning with a mark on my sight and went sleeping while dreaming of me cleaning the M82. That, is gone too. Eight months of constant active dreaming and effort gone as nothing. I was an excellent soldier until the day I was told I wasn't even considered for sniping exams. I became a lot more careless and bold.
During the time of my training my mom got married. A decent man, who I love as a father. I will definitely dedicate a post to that alone. My family grew from four to five. The stress on me as the man of the family is gone and I am left now to try and live the teenage life I was supposed to. But, I'm in the army now. The time is gone and I've grown up way faster. I feel that in the way I see people in my company. I just don't fit. I feel I don't fit in the army, the combat soldier life, the whole system, the mentality. I quit thinking of becoming a commander and later on an officer. I just lost the soul of the army. I just want to finish this two years I got left and find myself in another place. I'm already making plans for studying. I'm already thinking of learning. Guess I just miss school. But I'm thinking of starting over.
The IDF, and I got a right to judge, is such a stupid army. It recruits people with no desire to be in it. People who feel they are forced to be in it. People who don't believe in it. So you start thinking if all your effort to keep a true meaning is worth the pain, physical and emotional. I did. I don't. For me, it became nothing more than a transitory three years with no true meaning. I know I should protect this land. But all I thought I would get from the army is nothing more than an ilusion. Even if I could, I wouldn't start over in the IDF. Because it would get me nowhere. Same thing.
So right now I'm thinking of joining the military academy in the UK. A new start. A different experience. I'll be able to do the things I wanted to do here, but in a different way. And of course, I'll get to learn a lot more. Challenging, I must say.
This post is not that well arranged and tidy, but it'll do for now. Until I get an laptop and start posting from my base. Get back in shape. The best therapy.
Good night.
posted by Navid at 2:45 PM
1 comments
